Upon our return from New York we put up our Christmas tree. Berkeley has been asking to put up the Christmas tree for nearly two weeks, so he was thrilled to put it up finally. It was exciting to see how excited he was about all things Christmas; I honestly have lived for these days! I love the magic of Santa, Christmas trees, angels and Baby Jesus. It is fun to see my sweet son get so excited as he learns about each of these things.
This year not only did Berkeley help us put up our Christmas tree, but also his imaginary friend John. John has been around for a few months; what I know about him is that he is a "worker," "has time" to play with Berkeley and likes to play soccer. He generally comes with us when we travel and has always been friendly, although he often gives Berke permission to do things that his parents tell him he cannot do.
Berkeley often asks us questions on John's behalf, as he too has an inquisitive mind.
Last night we experienced Berkeley "become" John during the tree decorating. He informed us that Berkeley was at hockey practice, so he was going to help us put ornaments on the tree. John was a great helper, and overall, very friendly. He appeared to share the Christmas excitement with Berkeley. When Berkeley came back from playing hockey, he informed me that John really loves our "beautiful home" and would like to stay with us. I agreed to let John stay since he has proven to be such a pleasant young man. Berkeley often talks to John as he is falling asleep at night; they giggle and sing together. Berke is a bit bossy to John, telling him what he can and cannot do.
It is quite simply adorable.
It really has been fun and interesting to see Berkeley's imagination run wild. I try to be in the world he is in, to encourage this play. He seems to enjoy it so much that just last week he got a new imaginary friend named Hawkeye. He is clearly an Avenger and is not a good listener; when I tell he cannot come to daycare with us, he jumps in the car with us, when I tell him not to walk on the ceiling he does so anyway. (This makes Berke laugh for hours (aka eggs him on)). Hawkeye, as Berke puts it, is a "nice, bad guy." I'm still out as to if I am a fan of Hawkeye or not. It really is hard to keep up with all these imaginary friends, yet amazing as to how I like some of them so much more than others.
Do your kids have imaginary friends? I don't remember ever having one, but I sort of love that my son has one (or two).
Over the summer our friends moved to Wisconsin. We were not happy about this move AT ALL, however had decided at that time we would all meet up at Ryan's parents house in New York for Thanksgiving.
We drove to Queensbury, NY on Tuesday evening and were welcomed graciously by Bonnie and Rue to stay at their home so we could spend time with our lovely friends! Bonnie & Rue were the best! They fed us, housed us, laughed with us, and watched our kid so we could shop, and date.
The gang
Nikki and RyRy gave Berke this awesome puzzle as an early Christmas present; we had a lot of fun putting it together.
We all ran the Saratoga Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning. It was a chilly 5k that started out 1.5 miles uphill and ended 1 mile downhill. It was fun to run a race with Christian again, something we haven't done for 2 years!
Berkeley and Eloise played just like siblings. Sometimes they loved each other and other times they refused to share their precious toys with one another. Eloise grew so much since we last saw her, she is walking and talking so much. She has very good speech for her age and went around asking for "Berka B" it was pretty adorable.
Thanksgiving day warmed up to 55 degrees and was beautifully sunny. We ventured out to the huge backyard to play in the leaves. We loved throwing and rolling in the leaves, especially the kiddos.
The feast itself was naturally delicious. Berkeley loved the rolls (and only the rolls). We, like the rest of America, ate too much food and then shoveled some pie in just (what felt like) moments after.
Nicole is one of my best shopping partners, so we did lot of that. We hit the outlets nearby and shopped and dined in the adorable city of Saratoga. We even got to go on a double date and see the movie Lincoln (which was wonderful, but not a great movie to watch at 10:00 at night). We played the Wii and even sat on Santa's lap.
It was so great to spend time with some our favorite friends. We had such an amazing time.
We are thankful for the many family and friends that we are blessed to have.
Berkeley has been saying the cutest things lately. I just want to write some of them down so I don't forget:
Yesterday, Berke was really looking forward to his friend Lily coming over for a play date. He has been talking about her for weeks and clearly misses her a lot. We set it up and he was really excited. I got a call in the morning from Lily's mom stating she was sick with the flu and wouldn't be able to come over. I knew this was going to break my little boys heart; I told him the news in the sweetest way I could, explaining that Lily was really sick and didn't want to get him sick. He had tears in his eyes and was completely devastated.
Flash forward a few minutes later; Christian was telling me about how in his country music class at NEC they analyzed Tim McGraw's Don't Take the Girl. Christian started singing the song and then turned to Berkeley and said, "Berke, Don't take the girl!" Berkeley looked at him in disgust and said, "I wont take the girl; she's sick!"
Tonight we brought our friend's dinner. It was Berkeley's friend Q and when we got home he asked if Q had a baby. We said yes he had a baby sister named Madeline. He then asked if Owen had a baby sister, we answered yes and her name is Evie. He then said, Jonas has one too, what's her name. We told him the name and then asked if Lily had a baby sister and we said, yes, her name is Cali. I said, not everyone has a baby sister, like his friend Soren didn't have one. He asked why. I told him, "well, he is like you and doesn't have a baby sister. He doesn't have a baby either." Berkeley then said, "Mom! We got to get one!" I told him we'd think about it.
It was a sweet moment, where he is clearly seeing a trend with all of his friends having baby sisters; he must feel left out.
The other day I asked Berkey what he did at Daycare that day. He responded, "Well, I had lovely dreams."
After visiting our neighbors Sis and Larry tonight. They gave B a card with $5 and more Halloween candy, lot of attention and hugs and kisses. As we were walking home he said to me, "Mom, I love Sis and Larry.........they give me a lot of candy."
Recently I talked Courtney into running another 1/2 Marathon with me, after all 2 1/2 marathon's equal a whole right? She went along with my silly plan and we found ourselves 3 weeks after the last one, in Manchester, NH running another. This time we talked two more fabulous friends into running with us!
Elizabeth and Leslie joined us for their first 1/2 Marathon EVER! Elizabeth did almost all the training by herself and did AMAZING, she finished first in our group! Leslie, yea, she just had a baby 4 months ago, started training 7 weeks ago and was AWESOME during the race. I am in awe of these wonderful women I get to run with!
Elizabeth and Sporty Courty
Leslie and I both spotted our husbands on opposite sides of the road; clearly we were pleasantly surprised and happy to see our families!
This 1/2 Marathon was the HARDEST I have ever run. They said on the website it was hilly and challenging and it did not lie! There were something like 10 steep hills and many gradual inclines; it was so hard! I felt pretty good, but have been battling a pretty awful blister on the inside of my big toe since my last long run. It started being pretty painful around mile 2, but I somehow pushed through the pain to finish this beast!
We all finished! I did not get a PR with this bad boy, but I was happy to finish the whole thing and only stopped for a potty break. We didn't let those hills stop us!
I am so proud of these girls; I love them all so much!
What would I do without the most amazing fans ever? So thankful for the support of these oh so adorable boys. It was a really really cold day with some serious wind, and these boys stayed outside and cheered me on from two different spots.
I cannot believe I have run 5 Half Marathons! That pretty much puts me in Rock Star Status ya know.
Each one is so emotional, because each one is so hard in different ways. It is such a mental game and I always have to push myself. Elizabeth found me at the finish line and we both just started sobbing; it is such an amazing accomplishment!
We did it! I managed to get stuck in an hour and 15 minutes worth of traffic while trying to get home early for Trick o Treating fun. We shoved pizza in our mouths with all of our friends that also got stuck in traffic, and flew out the door to collect candy from all the neighborhood peeps.
Berke finally got "it" this year and was super excited to be getting FREE CANDY! When people would hold out their bowls of candy, all his friends would politely take 1 piece and then he would load up all that his hands could hold (usually 3-4 pieces). It was pretty adorable and I would be lying to say I wasn't a proud mom to see how clever he was. His cuteness totally allowed him to get away with it and he rightfully took advantage of all those pushover parents/grandparents.
We had no idea Q was going to be Woody this year! Perfect match!
Buzz and Woody were meant to be friends!
These cute buddies were troopers climbing step after step to collect all their candy.
Berkeley has such fun and adorable friends!
"To Infinity and Beyond!"
Another successful year gathering the goods. Berke's favorite treat this year were lollipops, aka dum dums; this child is not mine.
Presenting the Gentry Family Halloween Photo for 2012.
Beetlejuice, Lydia, a bat and Buzz Lightyear.
This weekend we attended the Donigard Manor Halloween Bash. We really wanted to have good costumes this year; we had a few ideas come and go and finally decided on Beetlejuice and Lydia.
We had a fabulous time at the party; I absolutely love to see all the AMAZING costumes my friends pull off. Everyone puts a lot of effort into their costumes; go big or go home!
Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.
Lydia
Not only are the costumes great, but the food and decore are not to be missed! The entire ambiance is truly amazing and I wish I could truly capture it on film.
Stuart and Aubrey as
The Birds and the Bees
Daisy and Mr. Gatsby
I'm very happy to report that we won the award for scariest costume!
Is this not the most creative costume you've ever seen? Courtney pulled this penny off in true champion form!
Leslie as Osama Bin Laden
Amelia is the most beautiful nurse I have EVER seen; I'm pretty sure she would put that smile on ANY wounded soldier!
Plants vs. Zombies
Here is the couple who won BEST in SHOW! They are always so hard to beat! Kate's execution on her costumes is truly amazing and difficult to compete with.
A dragon and her slayer!
I must say this dragon is a force to be reckoned with in that sexy wig!
A HUGE thank you to Bonnie and Kate for hosting yet another AMZING Halloween Party!
I have recently been trying to educate myself on how to help grieving children. I have seen many of my friends who are having huge losses in their lives and trying to grieve appropriately, but have noticed that their children grieve differently. In my work I'm often asked how to help grandchildren deal with the grief of losing a grandparent. So I have been to a few seminars, read a few things, and tried to educate myself on how to help parents/caregivers help their little ones through grief and loss.
I am in no way an expert, but felt that I wanted to share some of this information in hopes of helping some of my friends and their children.
The most important thing I have learned from all of this is to TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT DEATH; ACTUALLY USE THE WORDS DEATH AND DYING.
Many parents feel like they are walking on egg shells with these words. Don't be. It is good to talk about these words and normalize them, so that if there is a loss it is easier to talk about (and believe me there will be losses). Even I know how to talk to children about this, I have no problem talking to my own son about it, but one day I was picking him up from daycare and one of the kids asked me what I do for work. I sort of paused, fear raced through me. Do I tell her I work with dying people? What does she know about death? Is she gonna be freaked out? Will her parents be mad if I tell her what I do? Adults don't talk about this stuff with their kids, but we need to.
Here is just a quick overview of some information to read and take in what you feel may be helpful.
INFANT and TODDLER
Children 0-2 years:
Often we think children under two do not grieve, that they are simply to small to understand what is going on.
Piaget teaches us that this is the sensorimotor stage for children, where they learn that if something goes away it always comes back. Children at this age rely on their parents and caregivers to meet their needs; they depend on them. So if they "disappear" they will notice. If there is a loss of a close loved one or pet, observe your little one for non-verbal clues. It is important to label their non-verbal clues for them. If they are crying, clinging to you or an object, pointing to pictures, etc. be sure to label this by saying saying, "I know you are sad. I'm sad too." "I'm sad Daddy is gone too." They cant use their words, so it is important for you to label their feelings for them.
Children 2-5 years:
Piaget labels this cognitive stage as the Preconceptional Stage and Erikson labels this stage as the Initative vs. Guilt stage. At this stage children are very egocentric. Everything is about them. They are great at magical thinking, so they may have a difficult time understanding the irreversibility of death. They are big on routines and they are literal thinkers. It is important to use the words death and dying with them, but because they are so literal it is important to use these words in the correct context for them. How often do we say, "oh my phone died." Then we charge it and it works again. If we use the words like this, then our kids may think that if someone died they will be coming back. We have to be careful on how we use these words. I find myself much more conscience of how I use these words now. Don't try to scoot around these words by using the words pass or no longer with us; these words will just confuse a child. If someone is no longer with us, a child can interpret that different ways. But if you say they died, there is no room for interpretation.
Children in the infant/toddler stage of grief do not understand the three developmental and foundational concepts of death: Non-functionality, Irreversibility and Universality. They don't understand that if their dog dies that he isn't going to play with them again. They don't understand that he is never coming back and they don't understand what happens to somewhen when they die. They struggle most with the irreversibility at this stage due to their magical thinking. Many times children this age will ask, "When is Fido coming home?" It is important if this is asked repeatedly that parents should put a feeling to the question for the child; "I miss Fido too."
Children at this age respond very well to books and stories.
Recommended books for children this age are:
The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown
"Turtle" poem by Shel Silverstein in A Light in the Attice
The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
Feelings by Aliki Brandenberg
Blow me a Kiss, Miss Lilly by Nancy White Carlstorm
Nana Upstairs & NanaDownstairs by Tomie De Paola
Kolie and the Funeral by Ralph L. Klicker
Finding Grandpa Everywhere: A Young Child Discovers Memories of a Grandparent by John Hodge
Saying Good-bye to Grandma by Jane Resh Thomas
My Grandson, Lew by Charlotte Zolotow Tell Me Papa by Dr. Marvin Johnson Our Special Garden: Understanding Cremation by Karen Carney
Not all of these books are about grief, but the goals of reading these books are:
-Establish Trust
-Show Unconditional Love
-Love Never Dies
-That it is okay to express feelings (to be sad or angry)
-It is okay to have "transitional objects" (it is what carries us through)
There are many more books as well, but the most important thing is that the PARENT READS THE BOOK FIRST TO MAKE SURE IT IS APPROPRIATE FOR YOUR CHILD.
I have also heard wonderful things about this episode of PBS's Sesame Street discussing grief. (full disclaimer, I have not watched this to tell you my opinion)
When talking to children this age about death and dying, or about someone who had died, be sure to get eye level with the child to talk to them, not down to them.
CHILDREN AGES 5-9 YEARS
Piaget teaches that at this Cognitive state children are at the Preoperational stage where they are really learning about language and symbols and well as have magical/wishful thinking. Often times children at this age will feel guilty due to their magical thinking. If they felt anger toward someone, or said, "I wish you were dead." or said, "I hate you." and then someone dies they can often feel that it was their fault. They are learning about cause and effect at this stage and will often feel like a death was their fault somehow. It is important to skillfully correct the magical thoughts; you can do this by not shaming them, but discussing how a dream could never make some die. Explaining that even though they were mad in that moment, they had many more moments where they loved the person who died and that is what is most important.
They are also going through the Concrete Operational Stage, where they have inconsistent thinking and reversibility of thought. They are really learning to process things in this stage and it may hit them that they can die too, or that other people they love can also die. If your child asks you, "Are you going to die too?" It is important to be honest with them and not sugar coat things. An appropriate answer might be, "Yes, I am going to die, but I plan to live a long life."
Children at this age understand the non functionality and irreversibility of death, but still struggle with the concept of universality.
At this age children start to evolve a concept of death:
-Death is final but escapable
-Death personified
-Death as a punishment for wrongdoing
-"I can cause death with my thoughts"
And they may start to ask questions like: How did they die? What do they look like when they are dead?
Developmentally children are in the Industry vs. Inferiority stage. They are learning to love to read, write, build and draw. When talking about death and dying with a child at this age, again, be sure to get eye level to talk with them. When talking to them have paper, markers, crayons, etc available when you talk. This allows them to be industrious while talking. They will not do well just sitting down to talk, but if they have something to do with their hands they can more comfortably talk about something difficult. They will also need a lot of praise during this loss. They need to know that they are grieving appropriately and point out the things they are doing well. Focus on their strengths and not what they aren't doing well.
During this stage they are also very dependent on their parents, siblings and extended family. They will look to these people to know how to act and for comfort.
I often hear parents say they have to be "strong" for their family. By this, they usually mean that they don't cry, show emotion or let their loved ones know how their grief is affecting them. It is actually very healthy for a child to see their parents cry; it helps normalize grief and lets them know that it is okay to cry. It is good for children to see their parents be emotional and creates a situation where families can talk about their feelings.
So, what to do about the funeral. I have heard many friends talk about how traumatizing their grandparents funeral was for various reasons. So here are some tips on how talk with your child about a funeral. Talk with them about what they can expect to see at the funeral. If possible take them to the funeral home before hand so they know what it is like. If there will be an open casket, explain what that will look like and how the body will be cold. Give your child options, DON'T make the child do something they don't want to do. Give the options of not having to attend the funeral and staying with someone they feel comfortable with, or going to the funeral for a short time and then leaving with a loved one when they are ready, or staying at the funeral/wake/viewing with their parent the entire time. If there is a casket, give your child the option of going to see the body or not. Do not force the child to touch or kiss the body if they do not want to. Don't force your child to do anything. Give your child options and let them chose what they feel comfortable with.
When your children ask how and why questions, be prepared to answer them. If you are not ready as a parent/caregiver to talk about this mentally or emotionally don't shut your child down. You can say, "It's hard for me to talk about it right now." If you can't talk to your child about their how and why questions be sure you have someone who can that they trust. It is very important that their questions get answered.
Using books to discuss grief is also helpful at this age.
The goals of reading books to children at this age are:
-It's okay to be scared or have nightmares
-It's okay to have mixed feelings
-It's not your fault
-Death is part of life
-Loss and separation are part of life
Helpful Books: Charlotte's Web by E. B. White How Can I Help, Papa? by Elissa Al-Chokhachy Samsara Dog by Helen Manos (if you believe in reincarnation) Alexander Who's Not (Do you hear me? I mean it!) Going to Move by Judith Viorst Pancakes for Breakfast by Tomie DePaola (Discusses how things dont always go our way) When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Kransy Brown and Marc Brown Lifetimes: The Beautiful WAy to Explain Death to Children by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen I Heard your Mommy Died by Mark Scrivani I Heard Your Daddy Died by Mark Scrivani
Remember to read these books before sharing them with your children to make sure they are appropriate for your child. Many of these books don't directly talk about death and dying but are a great way to start important conversations.
CHILDREN AGES 10-12 (PRE TEEN)
Developmentally Erikson states that these children are at the Industry vs. Inferiority stage; they are very into hobbies, athletics and their body changing. Cognitively Piaget claims these children go from the concrete operational stage to the Formal Operations stage. Children develop abstract and hypothetical thinking. They usually understand the three foundational concepts of death: Non functionality Irreversibility, and Universality. They get it.
This stage is tricky because this age the children are often less feeling-focused than you might expect. Often parents may be shocked at the questions they get at this age, which are more about the "details" of the death. Don't be startled by this. Your child may appear not to be grieving, but don't be fooled. Be patient with your child and yourself.
You can also use books as a way of talking about death with children this age.
The goals of reading for this age group are:
-Change is a part of life
-Friend (and others) may disappoint
-It's okay to ponder the mysteries of life
-Useful metaphors
Helpful Books: Harry Potter (books 1-7) by J.K. Rowling Where Do Balloon Go? by Jamie Lee Curtis The Fall of Freddie the Leaf by Leo Buscaglia Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert How it Feels When a Parent Dies by Jill Krementz
TEENAGERS
At this stage cognitively according to Piaget teens are at the Formal Operations stage; they have more abstract and hypothetical thinking, and their reasoning skills advance. Developmentally, according to Erikson, they are at the Identity vs. Role Confusion stage; they wonder who they are and how they fit in.
Often teens have intensified feeling reactions, a renewed struggle with the universality of death and may delay their grief due to conflicting priorities. For teens their family, school and peers are all very important part of their culture. It is very important to make sure they have a strong support network within each system. It is important for these supports to normalize their teens feelings and acknowledge their courage to share.
The goals of giving teens books to read during death and dying are:
- So they know they are not forgotten
-They know their grief is unique
-They know it is okay to ask "why?"
-it is okay to question their religious upbringing
-That their parents love them when the teen rejects them
Helpful books: Night by Elie Wiesel Weird is Normal When Teenagers Grieve by Jenny Lee Wheeler Straight Talk About Death for Teenagers: How to Cope with Losing Someone You Love by Earl Grollman Healing Your Grieving Heart for Teens: 100 Practical Ideas by Alan Wolfelt Facing Change: Falling Apart and Coming Together Again in the Teen Years by Donna O'Toole How it Feels When a Parent Dies by Jill Krementz
10 Things Grieving Children Want You to Know
1. Grieving children want to be told the truth
2. Grieving children want to be reassured that there will always be someone to take care of them
3. Grieving children want you to know that their grief is long lasting
4. Children often cope with grief and loss through play
5. Grieving children want you to know that they will always miss the person/pet that died
6. Often, grieving children want to share their story and talk about the person who died
7. Every child grieves differently
8. Grieving children often feel guilty
9. Even though I might be acting out, what I'm really feeling is intense emotions of grief
10. If you're not sure what a grieving child wants, just ask him!
10 Ways to Help Grieving Children
1. Take Care of you
2. Be honest with your child
3. Listen
4. Acknowledge your child's grief
5. Share (tell your children about times you were sad, afraid or angry. how you dealt with hard situations)
6. Be creative (let your child express grief through drawing, writing, crafts, music or games)
7. Maintain clear expectations (keep rules and boundaries consistent, children will often use their pain as an excuse for inappropriate behavior)
8. Reassure your child (let them know they are loved)
9. Create rituals and new family traditions
10. Be patient
This is just a not so brief overview of how to help children grief. My hope is to be able to help parents who have children who are grieving. I know many of us, as parents are dealing with this; it is often difficult to navigate how to deal with our own grief and even trying to address what our children are going through is overwhelming. I do hope this gives you some helpful hints.
Even if you don't have a child who is grieving, it is never too late to start talking about death and dying with children. It is an important topic to be open and honest about. Even though it is often thought of as a "scary" topic, we must realize that it effects us all at one point or another (or many points) in our lives.
